It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
