I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
