he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
