so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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