Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
