we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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