I just pynch a tree in the face
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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