I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
