you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
