i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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