I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
