I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So much rum. So many feels.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
