That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
