When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
