Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
