Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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