20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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