Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
