So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
