Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
