Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I came so hard my ears popped.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
