If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
