if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
