If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
