Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
