I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
