Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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