How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
