i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
