He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
40s are totally the cure
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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