I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
