oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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