used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
