honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
