Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
