he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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