I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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