Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
