allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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