I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
