And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
