I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
