were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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