the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
