Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
