I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
