ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
