How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
