If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
