it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
