Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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